Preparation

 I caught a glimpse of my old profile bio here, written around a decade ago. My “baby boy” is now a sweet sassy 10 year old and I am also mama to a set of boy-girl twins who bring me joy every single day (and some craziness in between). 

Most of all it was the phrase “this time of preparation” that caught my eye. Because, well, I suppose I’m still there.

I think it’s pretty obvious I started this blog with an eye on cross cultural ministry. With hopes that my little stories were only the beginning of many more. And who knows, perhaps they are, but for now, I’m like a ball of dough on the counter I suppose. The Lord is still preparing me. 

And for what, only he knows. But I think for the most part, I no longer use the image of preparation as a way of minimizing or avoiding the reality of life I’m living right now. A way of deferring the timeline of when and where God wants to use me and work in me.

He has prepared and is preparing me, and perhaps will always be preparing me, until I go home to Him. But at the same time, the life I am now living is a big part of what he prepared me for. There’s no need to wait for some hypothetical day in which he “calls” me to “something great;” he has called me to today. Today. To be a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and hopefully a source of his light to those around me. He’s prepared me for this and continues to. And I want to be as faithful as I can be with “little,” rather than sitting around hoping to be entrusted with much (Matthew 25:14-30). 

But out of the vague and flowery and into the specifics. Why am I still stateside as a 34 year old when I thought at 17 I was preparing for and pursuing something else? Did I stop pursuing it?  Maybe, to some degree. And there are small parts of me that wonder if I should have done more. But a bigger part of me sees how much I needed to learn, and put into practice. A life of cross cultural ministry is a disciplined life, and I see I still need work there. Perhaps for those workers it is a desperate discipline out of necessity rather than practice, but all the same I suppose it must start somewhere. Habits. Habits make a life, so they must be chosen with thought. So for now I want to work harder at those, even if some days I feel I don’t know what I’m doing.

And I’ll be honest, life stateside can be challenging enough as it is. I never imagined how very challenging it would be just to be a good wife. How much effort could be put into being a daughter & friend to the best of my ability, or that motherhood, in some ways, “comes naturally” and in other ways requires study and planning and help. Life has certainly had its curve balls, the trials that come out of nowhere or challenges where I expected blessings & ease, and honestly the admissions to myself that I did not simply magically become a perfectly seasoned and wise woman overnight in my early 20’s as I think I expected. Alas, the trials (and my own failures & mistakes) continue to mold me into a wiser woman, by God’s great grace. I’m a different, and I think better, person than I was those years ago and it’s these “mundane” years that wrought that in me.

And yet all of this is preparation, and this preparation IS where wisdom comes from. I suppose it comes from study and wise living but it also comes from mistakes & failures & ensuring trials. In acknowledging weakness and recognizing limitations.  Boy, do I feel more weak and limited here in my 30’s than I did in my early twenties and teens (body, mind, & brain). Is it possible I’ve grown stronger in some areas and weaker in others? 

Yes, this season is heavy sometimes and I feel weak under the weight of it. But alas, such weight is where strength is built and such weakness is where I remember how much I need the Lord’s strength. I’m also thanking him lately for the strength he provides through others, it is a great gift I hope to pursue more. 

May I work hard in his strength & lean on him more, and may that bring much joy as I move further down this path he has for me, toward the sweet end standing before him at last. Further up & further in. 

Seeing the mountains anew

 *whhhhhhhhhh*

Pardon my cheesiness as I  blow the dust off this old blog. Wow, it’s crazy to look back on in so many ways. Much has changed since those early posts about Mexico and Albania and even my babies. 

I was 17 when I wrote those journal entries about my first week “by myself” in Mexico (and I still struggle to remember how in the world that whole idea & plan came about made sense in my young head). Yet even with my “mom brain” the memories come right back as I read.

So many years, so much change, and yet, as I look back, that girl is still in here somewhere. That’s what brings me back to this page— last month I had the chance to behold those mountains of Maneadero in person again.  8 years since the last time I had seen them, and more than 15 years since those two summers I dared to make myself “at home” at Casa Esperanza. 

The truth is, I almost didn’t go on this last trip. 34 year old me is apparently not so fearless as that 17 year old, or perhaps has a more realistic & seasoned head on her shoulders with maybe a few more burdens and responsibilities. I had some nerves about going with my husband and 3 kids, even with the group. We had a funeral and a sick child the day we were supposed to leave, and I felt my own stomach knot up a bit with anxiety, but things improved & we left the next day. My husband told me as we drove that he looked forward to glimpsing my “Mexico side” again, and I wondered if it was still there. For now, I was busy considering how I’d keep my kids safe and healthy, and wishing I had taken time to touch base & make plans with more old Mexico friends despite my hesitancy. 

But we made it. And on Tuesday morning as those gorgeously lush and imposing hills glowed their deep green down on me, my heart felt just the same. Conoci an ella otra vez… A slightly dreamy-eyed girl eager to build bridges to the “other world” before me.  Oh I won’t say there weren’t parts of me that wondered what that young girl had been thinking. That saw with a mix of embarrassment and pride my own naievete, and held in tension the idealism I once had with the realities and not-so-happy endings I know now. Perhaps some of that shall find its own post another day.

But. Those mountains are still here, and so am I. And so are many of those faithful believers who push on with conviction even after idealism is shattered. (More so, they’re still kind enough to remember me fondly and welcome me). Beautiful examples for me to look toward on the days I see no connection between the passion of my endlessly hopeful teenage self and now. 

It’s all there. I just have to let go of fear, and look. 

32 weeks and looking into the unknown

Some thoughts that swirled in my head after my last appointment two weeks ago and are coming to mind again...

32 weeks! That puts us Anywhere from 3-7 weeks out from delivery (maybe even more, dare I say?) and I am definitely getting a bit more anxious about all the unknowns.  I have never really considered myself a control freak; in fact I often do best when I fly by the seat of my pants 😜 but I suppose one of my preferred ways of handling worry or uncertainty is to plan ahead or at least learn as much as I can about what might happen so I can be prepared. But yet again this pregnancy becomes an exercise in trusting God instead of myself or what I know tangibly, because really for a twin birth, there are so many unknowns I don't think I could even write them all down, let alone take the time to learn and be prepared for them all. 

At this point I don't know for sure whether the position of the babies will allow me to try for a regular birth, or push me toward a c section. If the first stays head down, I can try, but there would be a slight chance that the second would still end up c section based on his position or heart rate. Even at the best position (both head down), there is still the possibility that things won't work out and I'll still end up with a c section regardless. I know that a c section isn't the worst thing in the world, but can you blame me for being anxious about recovering from major surgery while caring for two newborns and a newly-dethroned toddler?  

Besides, almost more than anything else, I just hate being "poked and prodded" and "messed with" if you will. I am very much the person who, if feeling sick, would prefer to be alone in my own home or room, mostly taking care of myself aside from my husband. My cautious childhood saw very little blood and very, very few scars. I don't like needles (especially in spines) I don't like hospitals or surgeries (who does?) or unnecessary tests or being uncomfortable in front of strangers. 

Sigh. Childbirth itself might not be so bad aside from those things! 😜 in fact, a normal, "natural" birth sounds like a glorious walk in the park to me right now. sure I may have considered a home birth with one baby (and a lot of other "ifs") but no way am I taking any risks (and more uncertainty!) with my twins.  

Anyway. As I have been telling myself from that first ultrasound, this delivery will be pretty completely out of my control. Even the timing of it (two weeks or two months?) seems like anyone's guess! I realized today, almost every appointment ends with my doctor saying "we'll go from there."  What a truth. Here is all we can really go from. I just have to wait and see what the Lord has in store. And in the mean time, pray that he will grant me trust and courage and wisdom to make the right decisions when the time comes, even if I know nothing about those decisions until it is time to make them. Wow. 

Perhaps I have never been more thankful (and yet needing to remind myself) that "the Lord knows."  

Second trimester of twins, and nesting ☺️

I've officially made it to the third trimester! And thank goodness, since I'm already getting questions of "how many weeks/days?" Haha. Aiming for at least two more months, folks. ;)  I, too, can't help but wonder how much more my tummy has to stretch. But each week we check off is a wonderful thing. 

All things considered I am still feeling pretty good. I had a head & chest cold for like a month, which was pretty frustrating, but I still sleep soundly at night for the most part. I still run out of energy and breath pretty quickly of course. I am already feeling the "Braxton Hicks" contractions (the painless ones that do nothing), which definitely surprised and worried me at first--with my first pregnancy, I didn't notice them until the last few weeks, and actually my beginning labor contractions were almost indistinguishable from them. So I was a bit anxious when I felt them at just over 20 weeks, between our two out of state trips!  Clearly, everything is still fine. Just a new normal for me. 

Speaking of new normal, I now weigh more than I ever have in my life (pregnant included) and recently passed up my husband by a couple pounds! 😬 I know it's a good thing, especially since each baby has their own "water" and placenta to account for, but gaining almost 40 lbs in 5 or 6 months is still quite the adjustment for me. 😜 

I was very blessed by my baby shower and all its participants, happy that my out of country friend Katelynn got to be there ;) and happy I took a fellow twin mom's advice to "have your shower early, before you start feeling too miserable." The nesting urges kicked in pretty strong already, and I feel relieved that, for the most part, we are supplied with the essentials and ready for their arrival. It was nice to sort clothes and prepare their room while I still have the energy. Clothes from newborn to three months are all washed and in their drawers already ;) does that sound crazy? Well, pregnancy is ;)  

I'm very happy to report that my blood sugar test came back normal, and as of yet I still have no apparent issues, not even swelling. The kids are plenty active and strong, as anyone who has sat next to me and felt or seen them kick can attest.  They calm down well for me to sleep at night though, which I'm really hoping is indicative of the future! Haha! 😂

Speaking of children I'm proud of, Nate is becoming such a big boy. He says so himself (or "big helper" complete with Daniel Tiger song).  We talk to him about his babies and the future, and he seems to grasp it well for his age (not that it won't still rock his world when they come). All of his own timing he has decided to move into his new big boy room, giving up the old with surprisingly little complaint so far, and has asked to trade his high chair for a spot at the table with us. He is also, for the most part (aside from still really wanting to climb and jump on me) sweetly thoughtful of his mommy. He brings me water (as always) and Scott has trained him to ask me if I need anything, or offer me a hand when I stand up. Just the other day I sat down and he put a plastic bin under my feet for me, another day brought me Chapstick when I said I needed some (he smeared it on his own face first, of course) and today brought me a cough drop when I said I felt a little sick. 😍 he still has enough energy to power our household (or several) and talks enough to have his own show, but he sure is cute. 

How to get a good deal on airline tickets: my three simple rules

For Bri, and all you young twenty-somethings who dream of seeing the world... For my son, my tiny travel buddy, who hardly had time to dream before he got his first passport stamp at age 1.5...

And for my twins, for whom I gladly put my travel dreams (temporarily?) on hold. ;) 

Once upon a time we were poor newlyweds. In fact, I remember around that time hearing the term "poverty level" thrown around in the news and decided to look up its technical definition... I found based on income, we were shockingly close! Yet we were cheap and kept our rent, expenses, and spending minimal enough to save money (small town cost of living, oh yeah). We believed in skimping and saving money wherever we could so we could spend it on things that mattered more to us! 

One of those things was travel. I had family out of state, and a few college friends in other countries. One of my first big dream trips that seemed almost too unattainable to even consider was visiting a friend in Ireland and flying with her to another friend's wedding in Germany (ask me later about our crazy budget airline flight from Ireland to Germany and back). But somehow my husband didn't think I was too crazy, so I set out on the next step: doing hours of Google research on how to get the best airline prices to make the trip possible. I found lots of interesting tips and facts based on market data and price trends but most of what I learned boiled down to a few general rules I still follow today. I've used them several times to fly from Los Angeles to Ireland, Ecuador, Washington D.C., and Texas and Minnesota a few times, and while I wont promise you're getting the absolute cheapest deal ever every single time, I've always found them reliably cheap or reasonable.

Happy travels!!

1. Keep your dates flexible.

In a perfect situation, you could research in advance to see the cheapest seasons or months to visit your desired destination (just make sure there aren't any deal breakers to that season, like horrible weather or points of interest being closed), but that much flexibility might not be an option for you. 

In any case, you should try as much as possible to keep your departure and return flight dates flexible at least within a couple days, and here is why: 

I'm a sucker for charts and visuals. As you can see from this one, the days of the week you choose to fly can make a pretty significant impact on the price you pay. In this case, leaving on the 11th and returning on the 16th will cost you about $350, while leaving on the 10th can cost you 200 or less. Here is a similar chart between L.A. and London (heathrow). 

$999 vs $631! See what I mean?

Some people will say that certain days like Tuesdays or Thursdays or Saturdays are always the cheapest travel days, which CAN be true, but it varies. To know for sure, I like to use a price graph or calendar like the one above. Some other sites or search engines show them too, like maybe Google flights, or even some airline websites like southwest, but kayak.com is my favorite. It also allows me other filters like other airports in the area, layover number and length, time of day to fly, and whether to include or exclude certain airlines (like spirit or other budget ones that are cheap but charge for a carry on. Yes, really.). 

One final note on the price chart, before you get too excited about a price you see, be sure to click on it or scroll down and make sure it doesn't have any deal breakers for you, such as: budget airlines, red eye flights, long or multiple layovers, or even switching airports or using two different airlines. I'm not saying to never try those things, but weigh the pros and cons first.

Now If you're still a little surprised that you could get from Los Angeles to London for under 700, there are other things in play: major (popular/large) airports, off season (October, summer is over) and rule number two.

2. Purchase your tickets exactly 7-8 weeks in advance.

Yes, I too have a father in law who might get a rash if he doesn't plan his vacations several months in advance. Last time we traveled together, I still beat his ticket prices by a little even though he bought his during a good sale (and I should admit he did get southwest, one of the few domestic airlines that still doesn't charge for your first checked bag).

You may doubt me, but the first few times I tried it (and sometimes still) I checked the prices the weeks before and after, and sure enough, my 7-8 week window was better.

Yes, this even works for international trips (that surprises me too). 

Exception: holiday travel. I don't have any rules for you if you're traveling during Christmas or another major holiday. I'm not sure there are any ;) except to stay as far from those magic dates as possible. 

And the last one, which always seemed very true except lately:

3. Buy your ticket on a Tuesday, mid day or afternoon (second choice Monday or Wednesday, prices tend to rise on weekends). 

The theory is that airlines put out deals on Mondays, and their competitors try to match them by Tuesday. I used to swear by this, and would kick myself if I accidentally waited too long and watched those prices rise in days (even hours) right before my eyes. My last Minnesota trip, though, I was surprised to find my Tuesday price on a weekend again, and the price charts above were taken on a Saturday night.  Perhaps my third rule doesn't matter as much anymore, or perhaps it depends how in-demand your dates and destinations are as to how quick the tickets get snatched up, or perhaps oil prices and such lately are just making for some really great tickets (I will say our summer Minnesota trip was cheaper than I remember paying in years past... So maybe you should travel NOW while that lasts)!!

Best of luck folks. Hit me up if you have any questions, and hopefully I'm not forgetting anything. My list of rules is really never as complicated as it seems like it should be! 

Final money-saving travel tips:

Stay (and eat) cheap: our other biggest secret! Our trips would probably have nearly doubled in cost if we had always used hotels, but we stay with friends or relatives when possible or use sites like AirBnB. You can check out hostels too, but whatever you choose, be sure you feel safe. We loved air b'n'b because it was easy to book online like a hotel, but so much cheaper (depending on area) and with the possible added benefits of friendly locals who will give you insider tips, or even give you breakfast or let you share the kitchen if you're lucky. Even if not, we like to stop at local grocery stores to put together our own lunch or dinner sometimes, it's a fun "adventure" and a great way to save. I brought plenty of snacks from home too, but that was mostly the four trips I took while pregnant ;)

travel light. If you're going domestic, fit it all in a carry on. Use the "capsule wardrobe" idea with multi-use items or roll-up vacuum shrink travel bags (like ziploc space bags but no vacuum necessary). If international, packing a little lighter will still serve you well and free you up. It's not natural for me, and my husband still beats me, but I've learned and I like it. 

Use public transport, not car rentals. This was a tough choice on our Ireland trip, as sometimes there are places that you just need a car to see. But in the end we were glad to avoid learning to drive on the wrong side of those narrow roads, and I think we were too young to rent a car then anyway. In many cities, though, walking and public transport (or uber/lyft if necessary) will get you just about everywhere you need to go... And no parking hassles or foreign driving stress either. 

First trimester tales

Well I suppose this is overdue since my first trimester has already come to a welcome end. So far this pregnancy has gone fast and slow at the same time... When we first found out, nine mons (and all the little milestones in between) seemed like forever, partly since, as we foolishly said to ourselves, "we mostly know what to expect this time around and are pretty close to being all ready for the arrival...."

Well of course that all changed the moment we saw this ultrasound. instantly we could barely hold it in. Waiting a day or two to tell our parents seemed impossible--I was tempted to tell random strangers even as we waited in line at Panda Express looking dazed (I didn't).  For a while those days of morning sickness and exhaustion seemed like they would last forever, and each new checkup or ultrasound had me waiting a little anxiously to be sure our tiny twins were both still alive and well... It's a tricky balance to try to learn more about twins and having a healthy pregnancy while trying to avoid "Google-based anxiety" (like what is vanishing twin syndrome? Thanks for that Mrs. G. Lol)  

.......And of course I am still dying to find out the genders, so I can finish preparing (including mentally, ha). Our most recent ultrasound told us they are "di/di" which means two sacs, two placentas, and a 70% chance they are NOT identical. So that is fun (and takes away fears of some significant complications that might happen if they shared one placenta).

 

But now that it is passed, the first trimester doesn't seem so long after all. Especially since I am quite a bit closer to delivery than I would be with just one baby! 

One thing that has definitely snuck up on me is how quickly my bab[ies] bump has grown! With baby Nate, I was hardly even showing til four months in or so... But now, at not even 4 months, I feel like my belly looks the same as it did halfway through my first pregnancy! The gradual growth was definitely easier to get used to. I keep thinking aloud, "if I am this much bigger already, what will it be like towards the end? Or even middle??" But even so I am very thankful for those little ones, who are already the size of lemons :)

Ten weeks (2.5 months)

Almost 16 weeks (4 months)

Oh and eating... My appetite is pretty impressive of course, but still I sometimes feel I can't keep up with the suggested nutritional requirements for twins! At *least* 80-100 G protein, tons of dairy and greens and fruit and fiber and whole grains... I nearly made myself sick trying to keep up at first. I have slacked off some lately (though I have already gained 10-15 lb, about half what I did the first time!). But I will have to get back to my food recording app pretty soon to help try to avoid any complications like preeclampsia, gestational diabetes, or early labor, all of which are more common with twins. 

Well folks, I think that is plenty for now.  Thanks for reading. 

Short roots: First impressions on the strangeness of short term

On a Monday or Tuesday, I let our social worker know that we would be willing to do short term "respite" or "emergency" care--basically overnight babysitting for if a foster family needs a break, or sometimes if the county/agency receives a child on short notice and needs a place for them to stay that night while a more permanent place is found. Only certified families can provide this service.

On Wednesday afternoon around 2:30, I got a call that there was an opportunity available for us to help out. A sibling set was homeless for the evening after their previous home, apparently on short notice, was unable to keep them anymore. Abrupt, perhaps, but I can't judge without knowing. We only needed to take one kid for the night while a new home was found for them, hopefully together. 

By 5:00 the children were waiting at the local office to be picked up. I told Nate we were having a new friend over for the evening, and anxiously drove over. Walking in to where the kids were playing with the other respite foster mom, I was suddenly paralyzed. One child was crying.  Did they know what was going on? What had they been told? What kind of explanation could I, a stranger, give them before walking out the door with one of them? Should I first reassure them that they would see each other tomorrow, or not since no one really knew that for sure?   

But, with the social worker's prodding to go ahead and "rip off the band-aid" I offered my arms to the small, speechless toddler I was taking. Without a complaint or even much hesitation the child agreed to be held, carried outside, and strapped into my car next to my son (who was excited about his new friend). Just like that, we drove off. Call me a softy, but my mind and heart didn't know what to make of it. This kid was obviously more used to this unnatural scenario than I was. 

Although at first I had no idea what feeding level to expect, our dinner guest turned out to be a willing eater, and pretty quickly got comfortable playing with Nathan, although often seeming to look to me as a point of contact, if you will. Since I was the pickup person, was I the one link there was to stability or certainty of previous life? Perhaps. 

At bedtime, although sleepy, the child was reluctant to be left alone in the crib (for any number of understandable reasons)... Does one ever sleep-train a foster child, or is there too much inconsistency? I decided not to fight it for just one night and moved a toddler bed to the side of my own and laid down. Satisfied that I was not leaving, my little friend gladly laid down to sleep as well. 

The night passed with just a few restless wakings that were quickly quieted by a bottle of milk (or water). Not bad, all things considered. 

In the morning, just as we were told (even if for a moment there was talk that we might be needed for a few more days) a kind DCFS worker came, knowing little but the child's name (at first didn't even realize I was just a respite caregiver), and took Nate's new friend away to a "more permanent placement" while he looked on and wimpered. 

Then we went back inside and tried to act like nothing was different. 

NOTE: yes, you too can help a foster child like this, even if just for a night or two. ;)

Best laid plans

We've known we didn't want to wait much longer on another biological kid, even if we did have to wait on becoming foster certified first... So we were pretty excited, within the same week of receiving our certification, to find out we were also expecting! We still had no idea how God would time a foster baby placement in relation to the due date of the biological one, but we trusted he would figure it out better than we could. 

I had a couple concerns though, since I had so recently had my appendicitis and ovarian cyst (and had been feeling a little extra stretching near that area), so I managed to get an early 6 week ultrasound to make sure all was going well. It was Scott's Friday off, so he and Nathan came too. 

I had been praying that we'd be able to hear a heartbeat, and as the technician moved the wand around I was just anxiously awaiting the assurance that everything was okay. I barely registered her question when she asked, as if making conversation or taking notes for paperwork, "so, do twins run in your family?" At first I stumbled over my words, unsure whether to give her a straight answer (Scott's Dad is identical) or tell her "that's not funny!" But Scott was more clued in and started laughing in disbelief as she gave him a knowing look. "Yeah, you guys are having twins."  I gaped like a fish and finally grinned...This couldn't be real! How unlikely, how lucky, how ridiculous was this?! 

But there we were, twin parents. I'm going to get so huge! I thought. And I should probably prepare myself for the possibility of a c section. But how could I complain? What a crazy and exciting adventure.

And yet, I still have to acknowledge the lingering bit of sadness in my heart over the fact that we most likely won't be meeting our first foster child this year. I had looked forward to the thought of our second child being adopted, and maybe even being there to welcome a third (biological) sibling to the family (although it is possible we still may not have gotten a placement by then). As much as it is hard for me to give up for now, especially after getting this far, I am pretty sure that going from one child to four in the same year would be a bit much. It seems the Lord has made it pretty clear that our time for adoption is not yet... It is ironic and even humorous, as we had said to ourselves, "the only thing that could change our foster plans now is if we got pregnant with twins! Well. God laughs at our plans sometimes, doesn't he? We will still keep up our certification and keep praying for His direction and will for 2017!  But in the mean time, just as we hoped, those two cribs in the nurserywill be put to use and we will end 2016, Lord willing, with two more children in our arms. They will just be a bit closer in age and looks than we thought ;)

Cranberry oat bread

I finally found the perfect cranberry bread recipe! Soft and chewy. This recipe was originally for a bread maker but I adapted it, you can find the original here http://allrecipes.com/recipe/229268/cranberry-oat-bread/

 

One cup very warm water (105-110 degrees to be exact)

2tsp active dry yeast 

1 TB butter 

2 TB honey (I estimated so it was a bit generous 😆 )

Optional: a couple drops of vanilla and/or almond extract

Combine the above ingredients in your mixing bowl, stirring gently to dissolve the yeast, and let it "proof" (start to get foamy) while you gather the dry ingredients.

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 1/2 cup bread flour

1/3 cup rolled oats (not quick unless that's all you have)

3/4 tsp salt

1 tsp cinnamon 

Blend the dry ingredients and add them to the wet. I used my mixer with the bread dough hook, adding a little extra bread flour (a heaping spoonful at a time) until the consistency was right: the dough should be well mixed and not sticking to the bowl, smooth and not too sticky to the touch. Oh, I almost forgot, the cranberries! Add them towards the end.

3/4 cup dried cranberries, give or take as you like

Nuts optional but the oats give it texture already.

Mix it and knead it until it is an even consistency, not too sticky and the cranberries are well Incorporated. Shape into a ball and coat lightly with oil and put it either in the mixing bowl covered with a towel, or loosely covered with saran wrap to rise. 

Rise for an hour or until just about doubled in size, then smush it down and roll or shape it to fit in the greased loaf pan. Beware that if the first rise is is too long, your yeast will lose steam for the second one. Let rise again about 20 or 30 minutes, until it is just cresting the edge of the pan. I sprinkled the one pictured with more oats (and pressed them in a little) before rising the second time. 

Bake at 350 for 30-40 minutes.... Then enjoy! 

 You will probably be sad that this only makes one loaf, since it will be gone in a day or two. Double it once you get the hang of it ;)

Waiting

"Time to have another one!" 

I can't quite remember when I first heard that line, but I remember it was earlier than I expected. I don't think Nate was even one yet. 

I was often a little surprised at how easily others shared their opinions regarding our family planning (even when I did agree with them), but I got much more used to hearing it as Nate turned one, then one and a half, now two.... Now I feel like anyone who doesn't explicitly know our reasoning, even strangers, are wondering (If not aloud) what is taking me so long.  

Even for those who do know about our pending foster certification, and that pregnancy would significantly delay or restart it, I am sure they wonder (if not aloud) whether that cost of waiting is worth it.   Sometimes I wonder the same thing myself.

 When we started out the foster certification process, taking those first steps of obedience in faith, I was perfectly content to wait a while. At the time I was exhausted, and had my hands quite full enough with my very busy little boy. Some days I still feel that way. But I had no idea that almost a year later, I would still be waiting with what seems like no end in sight. 

It's tough. For the record, I want a second kid too. I feel it on the days that my little guy and I can't seem to think of a single new thing to do to entertain ourselves. When his second birthday came and went without a sibling even on the way.  I feel it when a stranger tells me it's time for another one and all I can do is say "yep" and nod stupidly. And especially when our home study writer is taking twice as long as she's supposed to, and still felt the need to call and remind me how far she thinks we are from being able to get a placement, let alone adopting, and tell me to basically forget about it and get used to waiting. (Yeah, that happened last week, and it hurt...even if she really is misinformed or stretching the truth*).

I still believe the Lord still has his perfect timing. But that doesn't always make the waiting easy.

I know I haven't felt the ache of infertility or child loss as some have, but part of me still sometimes feels that following His leading in this way has meant a sacrifice of a biological child I might have had during this waiting... I know it doesn't really make sense. but don't you know enough about moms to know we have irrational thoughts sometimes, especially regarding our babies? (Pregnant gals, can I get an amen? ;) )

misguided or no, this verse gave hope to my weary soul this morning: 

"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life."

It is worth the waiting, even if I can't see it yet.

*Just to clarify, we know that waiting and delays are practically the definition of foster care itself... But we always thought the home study and certification process would be relatively quick and easy in comparison!