32 weeks! That puts us Anywhere from 3-7 weeks out from delivery (maybe even more, dare I say?) and I am definitely getting a bit more anxious about all the unknowns. I have never really considered myself a control freak; in fact I often do best when I fly by the seat of my pants 😜 but I suppose one of my preferred ways of handling worry or uncertainty is to plan ahead or at least learn as much as I can about what might happen so I can be prepared. But yet again this pregnancy becomes an exercise in trusting God instead of myself or what I know tangibly, because really for a twin birth, there are so many unknowns I don't think I could even write them all down, let alone take the time to learn and be prepared for them all.
At this point I don't know for sure whether the position of the babies will allow me to try for a regular birth, or push me toward a c section. If the first stays head down, I can try, but there would be a slight chance that the second would still end up c section based on his position or heart rate. Even at the best position (both head down), there is still the possibility that things won't work out and I'll still end up with a c section regardless. I know that a c section isn't the worst thing in the world, but can you blame me for being anxious about recovering from major surgery while caring for two newborns and a newly-dethroned toddler?
Besides, almost more than anything else, I just hate being "poked and prodded" and "messed with" if you will. I am very much the person who, if feeling sick, would prefer to be alone in my own home or room, mostly taking care of myself aside from my husband. My cautious childhood saw very little blood and very, very few scars. I don't like needles (especially in spines) I don't like hospitals or surgeries (who does?) or unnecessary tests or being uncomfortable in front of strangers.
Sigh. Childbirth itself might not be so bad aside from those things! 😜 in fact, a normal, "natural" birth sounds like a glorious walk in the park to me right now. sure I may have considered a home birth with one baby (and a lot of other "ifs") but no way am I taking any risks (and more uncertainty!) with my twins.
Anyway. As I have been telling myself from that first ultrasound, this delivery will be pretty completely out of my control. Even the timing of it (two weeks or two months?) seems like anyone's guess! I realized today, almost every appointment ends with my doctor saying "we'll go from there." What a truth. Here is all we can really go from. I just have to wait and see what the Lord has in store. And in the mean time, pray that he will grant me trust and courage and wisdom to make the right decisions when the time comes, even if I know nothing about those decisions until it is time to make them. Wow.
Perhaps I have never been more thankful (and yet needing to remind myself) that "the Lord knows."
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