Preparation

 I caught a glimpse of my old profile bio here, written around a decade ago. My “baby boy” is now a sweet sassy 10 year old and I am also mama to a set of boy-girl twins who bring me joy every single day (and some craziness in between). 

Most of all it was the phrase “this time of preparation” that caught my eye. Because, well, I suppose I’m still there.

I think it’s pretty obvious I started this blog with an eye on cross cultural ministry. With hopes that my little stories were only the beginning of many more. And who knows, perhaps they are, but for now, I’m like a ball of dough on the counter I suppose. The Lord is still preparing me. 

And for what, only he knows. But I think for the most part, I no longer use the image of preparation as a way of minimizing or avoiding the reality of life I’m living right now. A way of deferring the timeline of when and where God wants to use me and work in me.

He has prepared and is preparing me, and perhaps will always be preparing me, until I go home to Him. But at the same time, the life I am now living is a big part of what he prepared me for. There’s no need to wait for some hypothetical day in which he “calls” me to “something great;” he has called me to today. Today. To be a mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and hopefully a source of his light to those around me. He’s prepared me for this and continues to. And I want to be as faithful as I can be with “little,” rather than sitting around hoping to be entrusted with much (Matthew 25:14-30). 

But out of the vague and flowery and into the specifics. Why am I still stateside as a 34 year old when I thought at 17 I was preparing for and pursuing something else? Did I stop pursuing it?  Maybe, to some degree. And there are small parts of me that wonder if I should have done more. But a bigger part of me sees how much I needed to learn, and put into practice. A life of cross cultural ministry is a disciplined life, and I see I still need work there. Perhaps for those workers it is a desperate discipline out of necessity rather than practice, but all the same I suppose it must start somewhere. Habits. Habits make a life, so they must be chosen with thought. So for now I want to work harder at those, even if some days I feel I don’t know what I’m doing.

And I’ll be honest, life stateside can be challenging enough as it is. I never imagined how very challenging it would be just to be a good wife. How much effort could be put into being a daughter & friend to the best of my ability, or that motherhood, in some ways, “comes naturally” and in other ways requires study and planning and help. Life has certainly had its curve balls, the trials that come out of nowhere or challenges where I expected blessings & ease, and honestly the admissions to myself that I did not simply magically become a perfectly seasoned and wise woman overnight in my early 20’s as I think I expected. Alas, the trials (and my own failures & mistakes) continue to mold me into a wiser woman, by God’s great grace. I’m a different, and I think better, person than I was those years ago and it’s these “mundane” years that wrought that in me.

And yet all of this is preparation, and this preparation IS where wisdom comes from. I suppose it comes from study and wise living but it also comes from mistakes & failures & ensuring trials. In acknowledging weakness and recognizing limitations.  Boy, do I feel more weak and limited here in my 30’s than I did in my early twenties and teens (body, mind, & brain). Is it possible I’ve grown stronger in some areas and weaker in others? 

Yes, this season is heavy sometimes and I feel weak under the weight of it. But alas, such weight is where strength is built and such weakness is where I remember how much I need the Lord’s strength. I’m also thanking him lately for the strength he provides through others, it is a great gift I hope to pursue more. 

May I work hard in his strength & lean on him more, and may that bring much joy as I move further down this path he has for me, toward the sweet end standing before him at last. Further up & further in.