Partnership

Wed June 2

Tonight I was fortunate enough to get to talk to Scott on facebook instant messenger. It was both encouraging and sad… I miss him. He is one who cares about what’s inside me, what’s going on… to whom I can open my heart some evenings as I like to. I’ve really missed talking through life with him. I can and have often lately appreciated how much he has helped me be able to understand and express my thoughts.

It’s been good communication with the group mostly…. But I think maybe I realize, again, more now, like in mexico and Bear Valley, and here, that I grow tired of such ministry situations. In Mexico, I did love working by myself, lost among my people, but I was still lonely for a companion in ministry. Then in Bear Valley, beautiful partnership in some aspects, but still a few bitter stings of disunity or collision—even when I thought I tried my best to communicate and become unified in pursuit and mind. I sought perfect partnership, but it eluded me.

Now, this trip, I really have been blessed with a good hand of ministry companions. And I am more capable than ever to pursue good ministry partnership as I mature… and I love the group, and I can work with this. But. But, but—it’s just not right. There are feelings and opinions and misunderstandings and miscommunications and more I’m sure—even in the best of groups this size. There is no amount of time, let alone understanding for everyone to be on the same page as everyone else. Now I do not expect more for what it is. But again I long for perfect partnership.

…I know that marriage is no perfect partnership. I’ve seen enough of dating to believe that no relationship between two sinful people will ever be perfect. But…God’s very purpose for marriage was or is a unified striving for his better glory and service. –I long for it. I could almost say that I feel disjointed without it in ministry, but I’m not sure that’s how I should feel…because I know I must make the best of each season I’m given.

But, for better or worse, I am sure I do long for the day of ministry like that. Especially the work of ministering to my precious husband (first), to increase his own ministry, and then my kids. This is the ministry that makes so much sense to me… maybe like a bird (this is cheesy) sitting in the nest but longing to take wing. It’s not that I don’t enjoy sitting here, in the comfort of the easy life, but mmm, how it would feel—how terrifying and exhilarating and beautiful—to fly.